This is how I've been feeling for the last few months. Especially before I quite nursing Rafe. I felt like I was going insane. I was super moody and seemed like I didn't have any control on my emotions. I didn't know what was causing it, but I knew that my hormones just were everywhere. I went a Dr and tried to talk to her about it. I thought I could be depressed, or just stressed, or maybe just a mom of two young kids. The Dr. didn't really tell me anything to give me any comfort...or hope for that matter. "You're sleep deprived, and you're just going to have to wait until life slows down...."
OK.
Does that ever happen?
I think not. Not when you're a mom
I realized I've been changing diapers for 2 and a half years.
and now it's doubled.
That's enough to drive any one insane!!!
ANYWAYS!! I tried to get more sleep, take more naps, (yeah right, have you met pinterest?), and eat better. My breakfasts usually involve a coke zero.... and I don't exercise. ever. and I have a gym membership. With no childcare. WHY DID I DO THAT?
So here I was, being insane. Then something horrible happened that I don't want to get into... Then we all got sick. Then Dan and I got our tonsils out. Then Rafe started teething....and is still teething. And we recently switched Damon to a toddler bed.... Throw in some family drama...and there you go...
None of this was helping the crazy lady ready to pull her hair out.
So I stopped nursing Rafe. And that helped a little.
Then shark week started back up...if you know what I mean....
and that helped a little bit more
Then I got to thinking how long it has been since I've had my body back to just myself. And got my body back doing what it's supposed to be doing. And it has been years folks. I got prego with Damon 5 months into our marriage. And pregnant with Rafe 2 months after I quite nursing Damon.
QUE THE CRAZINESS!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love having myself back to just myself....???
and I'm definitely spacing out my next kids.
and I'm going to enjoy having my body to myself for probably the next 3-5 years.
and I don't know how mom's have kids back to back to back....I would be fit for a straight jacket if I did
that. Props to those who do it! You're more of a woman than I will ever be!
Don't get me wrong, I love my boys and I would do this all over again for them.... but I feel like I've been pretty selfless with my body, time, emotions, for the last 3 years, and it's time for me to take care of me. So if you are in the same boat. Just take a step back, breathe, and start doing something YOU want to do...that's just for you.
For me, I'm ready to lose all my baby weight, read more books, and take a vacation dangit!
I know this sounds pretty selfish...and I'm sorry i'm not sorry. I hope we can still be friends and you can join me on my quest out of insanity;)
You maybe already know I didn't deliberately "space" my kids. They're just widely spaced because I kept hoping that I was done, with each kid. Pretending I was done, even. Refusing to accept that I wasn't done. Until finally I realized that saying "Prompting? What prompting?" wasn't fooling anyone. :^ )
ReplyDeleteI remember once realizing that had I had the first four close, like most of my friends, my baby would be headed off to high school instead of third grade, and I would have not just my body, but my whole dang life back!
Of course, now the boyos are here and all bets are off. I'm going to be doing the mom thing for a loooooooonnnnnnnnnng time. And yes, there are days when I follow a full-blown fantasy of what my life would be like right now if Anna was still the youngest. And I follow that dream right through to the end, and sometimes I have a little cry...and I'm sorry I don't feel more sorry about that, too.
Dang good thing the boys are so cute.
Janna! I loved how you said you follow that fantasy right through tot he end and cry! haha I don't blame you! I'm sure it was such a shock and I know it's thrown your whole world upside down! But they are so dang cute! And so smart!
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